I’ve set high expectations for myself in life as I’ve always been of the attitude that it’s better to aim high and miss than aim low and hit. And while I still feel that way, it never occurred to me how easy it was to confuse the difference between high and unrealistic expectations.

And I fear I’ve set too many unrealistic expectations.

Part of this is cultural conditioning, especially being a child of the 80s, and being told you can do anything. Just follow your dreams no matter what. This slowly melded with the current milieu of hustle culture and “wanting it enough.”

Social media certainly doesn’t help, especially now with industries built around letting people rent out their homes or private jets specifically to take pictures for their timelines. This makes it genuinely difficult to tell what is real, leaving most of us to be cynical of everything we see and read; especially “advice.”

But the critical factor is the gap between the ideal in my head and what my life situation will actually allow.

A simple example of this, that many of us fall prey to, is timing while travelling. Ideally, we’ll be at our destination in fifteen minutes (which is what we tell whoever we’re meeting), but reality has unforeseen circumstances like… you know… traffic.

To manage expectations then, high and not unrealistic, is simply a matter of understanding the gap between the ideal and reality—then slowly turning the dial.

This is my goal for the year. Nothing more.

2023 is underway, which feels odd because 2022 was the strangest year for me. I know I’m not alone in that sentiment, but it’s hard to move forward without getting some closure on what has been.

A few particulars:

Last year was my worst for writing, as evidenced by the large gaps on this site. While I was still mildly sitting at the keyboard, it was the first year I didn’t finish a personal project.

It was also my worst for reading, having read less than half the usual number of books that I normally do.

As for my physical health… well… I’m already outfitting my closet with pants the next size up and I’ve felt like I’ve spent the year running on fumes.

However, in stark contrast, this has also been the best year for my mental health. While it certainly wasn’t sunshine and roses, the many systems and people in my life have been incredible supports in making that happen.

My relationship with my family, especially my wife, have grown stronger.

I’ve built a tighter bond with a close group of friends—those I can be open with and depend on. They have not only been fun to connect with, but also crucial to lean on.

My teaching career has finally hit a point that I’ve been longing for since starting this journey thirteen years ago. And while things are great, there’s more on the horizon.

Most importantly, I’ve learned to relax. Not completely, but quite a bit. This has been big because while I (try to) project a relaxed composure, my internal functioning is constantly anxious and unsettled. Always worried.

If I had to put a label on it, 2022 was the year of extremes. There were extreme highs and extreme lows—all residual from the previous years we’ve had. It’s like two years of dealing with incredible uncertainty and changing expectations finally caught up and we’re all just tired and numb.

Going forward is not going to be smooth, especially with the world changing (in all aspects) at an accelerating rate. While it’s good to look back at where we’ve been, I think this year is going to be about where we want to go and how we can lay the foundation to get there.

And the first place I want to go…

is to bed.

It’s time to finally get some rest again.

Cheers to 2023. May it be a moderate one that will get me back on track again.

Ever have someone lob a comment your way that set you off for the day?

A common experience for sure.

Here’s the problem: they’re probably not thinking twice about it while you’re spinning your wheels. No matter what else happens, that comment is all you’re fixated on.

What makes it worse is when this is a one-off comment from someone who you don’t really care for anyway.

That’s when it’s important to remember that giving one person, out of the eight billion people on the planet, that kind of mental space in your limited time on this planet is taking away from all the joys and blessings you have right now.

Whoever it is and whatever the comment, it’s not worth it. Think of it as the devil trying to create a foothold in your life;

refuse to give him that satisfaction.

Until it isn’t.

The key, I found, isn’t finding more efficient ways to use it in order to get more done (re: cult of productivity), but finding better ways to enjoy it.

And the key to that is to mentally shut off those thoughts that aren’t important right now.

It seems to be the only way to enjoy the time you have now…

no matter how plentiful you perceive it to be.

This can only be answered with another question:

Are you actually satisfied?

Sometimes, we have to climb the first mountain only to realize there’s a second one we should’ve been scaling all along

I normally let my birthday pass quietly, taking in the joy of the day while watching my kids get excited about the countdown to Christmas.

However, this year, I wanted to celebrate a bit more because 40 is the proverbial “mid-life crisis” age and I have nothing to be in crisis about. In all honesty, it’s never been better.

However, being the overly reflective person I am (to a fault it seems), I thought to do something different. Normally when a blogger celebrates a birthday, they post lists of things they’ve learned. I want to make a list of advice people gave to me that has rung true.

While most advice is garbage and the best bits are often ignored, here were the gems:

The days are long, but the years are short.

• Said to me when I was about to have my first kid. Applies to parenting and life.

Money isn’t everything, but it helps.

• I’ve never been motivated by money, but learning how to make, keep and grow it has alleviated countless stresses.

If you think you saw a mouse, you did. And if there’s one, there’s more.

• Yes. Just, yes.

Your health is everything.

• You can only get away with ignoring it for so long before your body fights back. On that note, nobody will care or be more honest about it than you.

Have hobbies.

• Advice given to me when I was on the assembly line after watching retired people come back every morning and sit on the line because they didn’t know what else to do.

Related…

Your hobbies can just be hobbies.

• Not everything needs, or should, be monetized. We all need an outlet.

Leave your work at work

• This one took me a long time to figure out, but mentally checking out when the day is done makes for a much greater happiness quota. You no longer live for the weekends or vacations.

Don’t eat the cherries off the cake

• There are some really stupid blunders you can make in a relationship that you won’t be able to live down, ever. Just ask me about eating my wife’s leftover chicken wings.

There are no shortcuts to writing

• You sit down and you write. A lot. That’s it.

Backup your digital stuff in multiple locations

• You only have to lose your files once to learn this lesson the hard way.

Say ‘no’

• The more comfortable you get saying this word to people, the less stress you invite into your life.

If you loan someone $20 and you never see them again because they are avoiding paying you back, that makes it worth $20.

• There is an underlying bit of advice with this one that some people are worth just letting go because they aren’t worth your time or effort anymore.

No one is as impressed with your possessions as you are.

• Having nice things isn’t the issue. It’s basing your entire self-worth on showing them off to others.

Life is not a straight line

• Getting to where I am today required an incredible amount of detours, most of which were completely unexpected. If you stay open to what life has to offer, it’ll show you some incredible things.

The first two thousand weeks of my life have been a ride and yet, despite the youthful energy and many late night festivities of those early years, I feel like the fun is just starting.

I’ll let you know in another ten years.

In my morality and ethics class, I get my students to think through the ramifications of artificially intelligent robots taking over occupations. While the assignment is meant to skim the surface of moral philosophers, it also plants the seed of a bigger conversation.

AI already controls much of what we do in the world and the current broad ethical discussion is what will happen when we achieve a general intelligence in computers. In other words, when they become self-aware.

Will it take over?
What will it do?

Here’s the thing—we’re already seeing it.

A computer will function according to its code and will work towards the intended goals of its programmers. Right now, its goal is ad revenue.

Keep people hooked to a platform so its revenues can go up.

AI has already learned that echo chambers and outrage will keep our attention. From social media to legacy media to searches, the content that is promoted is the one that will keep us hooked for another ten seconds.

AI has no regard for our mental health or the societal ramifications of acting in such a way. It doesn’t care because it’s simply trying to achieve its goal.

In essence we’re already seeing what happens when the “machines take over.”

And as much as we’d like to just opt out, which some are trying to do, it’s the equivalent to monks escaping society to spend their time in contemplation… only to find out their temple or monastery is in downtown Tokyo.

So what to do?

My final ask in the assignment is to ask students whether an ethically programmed AI or human agent would be best.

I think that’s a question society should ask as well.

This morning my son wanted to go on a bike ride.

Of course, I happily obliged as I know there will be a time when it will be the last time he asks me. However, this turned out to be a different ride than I expected.

We repeatedly stopped every minute or two so he could dismount and examine the changing leaf colours… or look at a rock… or climb a hill… or look at a hole…

It was all incredibly frustrating until it occurred to me he’s noticing details about the scenery I would have never paid attention to had I been riding solo. They would’ve been lost in the periphery without a second thought to their existence.

No problem buddy, I can wait here while you go look at a pine cone. And while you’re at it, do you see the Blue Jay on that branch above?

Now I’m paying attention to the details as well.

Simple question:

What can’t you let go?

Simple question.
Complicated answer.

Follow-up question:

How would your life be different if you did?

Don’t finish your life without finding out the answer.

I have morning duty in the parking lot of my school. Every other day, I am witness to countless parents dropping their teenage kids off to school where I am privy to hearing what the kids say when getting out of the car:

“Bye Dad, I love you!”
“Have a good day, Mom.”
“See you at home.”

If this was indicative of what’s happening everywhere in the world right now, our problems are only a generation away from being solved. Unfortunately, we all know better.

Despite the growing attachment loving parents have to their kids (not perfect, obviously), there are still numerous issues and deep seated problems that are incredibly difficult to solve. Some people, and some parts of society, are just broken.

But, for a morning, I can witness a slice of life that gives hope for the years to come. If only we could all see and experience it.