While every post on this site is about what I’ve been thinking, struggling with, working through or excited to share—this one is the rare transparent honesty.

This isn’t some kind of rant, but a true evaluation of where I’m at right now.

I underestimated the magnitude of the last few weeks. By a long shot.

But now, I’m really feeling it taking its toll.

Contrast to the fatigue I felt as a parent of an infant, where sleep is rare and patience is razor thin, this is something different.

I’ve used up all my creative capacity, all my energy and all my good intention to skyrocket the start of the year, finding a new rhythm to work within.

It’s been fruitful and I’ve been touched by the incredible positive feedback, but with the onslaught of new developments that are passed down every day, it just feels like another weight pressing down.

I know it’s getting bad because I’m not sleeping at night and I feel the irritability building inside. Even my most treasured creative outlet and mental reprieve, which is my writing, isn’t helping.

When I sit at the keyboard to let loose, I shut down. My creative energy has been spent.
My mental capacity is done.
My fatigue sets in.

Then I look at my household and realize how much it’s been neglected. I stress over not wanting my family to feel the exhaustion I’m experiencing, while at the same time, recognizing how reliant I am on them.

They continue to feed me and for that, there is no gratitude that can be measured in words.

But it further wears me down that I need to stay strong for them.

Understandably, this is just another season.

I will get through it like all others and there’s no reason to get bogged down by it. There is always a choice I have each day and the best one I can make is for joy.

I will never know the pain of what others go through. The real pain of a lifetime of suffering to which there is no reprieve. A pain to which there is nothing to be thankful for except for an end to it all.

And I will never know how a person, who has literally gone through hell, can still stand up straight with a smile on their face and walk as though the flames never touched them.

Bigger picture—there is some real suffering out there.

Me?

I’m just tired in every part of who I am… and it sucks.