There’s a great U2 song that I often come back to at different points in life because it means a little something different each time. While I’m sure the original intention of the lyrics are vastly different than what most take from it (including myself), and this can be a real sticking point for any writer, I find it’s a good foundation to work from.

As a young person, my search for happiness involved the usual criteria of outward signs of success: good career, home, healthy, relationships, etc. All those things that we dream about from what we want in life, which are good things to have. To have otherwise is like playing life on hard mode. It’s possible, but why?

However, in the background of all of this was a seed of discontent; something unsettling.

Is this it?

The question eventually drove me to study mysticism in hopes of finding an answer. That eventually led me to study Theology where the question aggravated me further because the solace of religion was shattered by in learning about its blatant power structures that it doesn’t even try to hide.

The philosophy side served no better. While it’s a wonderful discipline that appealed to my off-centered, obsessive thinking (from which I’m forced to conclude all philosophers throughout history were actually on the spectrum of insanity), the question of meaning was moot. It’s not even discussed.

As life eventually settled in for me and I’ve come to a point where I’m at peace, new questions are festering. While they no longer cause existential dread or months of overthinking, they continue to spring up and keep me mentally off tilt.

They remind me that while I have everything I could want or need, there’s still something I’m seeking and haven’t yet found. Thankfully, I’m surrouded by incredible people who keep me grounded, allowing me to continue this search without losing my way.

But, part of me is beginning to think we never fully find what we’re looking for, no matter our circumstance, and the key is to accept that—to be comfortable with it.

Perhaps happiness is only in the search and not the destination and, more importantly, as Christopher McCandless discovered, is only real when shared with others. We can keep searching, keep seeking, and be comfortable that we may never fully get there, as long as we have others along the way to share in that journey.

So I still haven’t found it… but I also have.