Background: this video, which so beautifully illustrates the problem with nice people and their perception of the world.

Not to split hairs, but I think it’s time we make a distinction between being polite and being nice.

Being polite is a societal ideal in which we should all strive for in order to make the world a better place for all of us to function. It’s a code of conduct, but not a prescription for a particular set of values. You can be a polite person who believes in all sorts of things.

Being nice, however, comes with a few issues.

While I certainly won’t advocate we avoid being nice to each other, I think it needs to come with some pretty clear terms. We’ve loaded that word with a passivity baggage, where being ‘nice’ means allowing others to dictate what happens while you remain silent. It locks a person in with their own emotions, where they feel they cannot express how they really feel because it “wouldn’t be nice.”

As the expression goes, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all.”

Okay… but if a person is being an absolute jerk face jerk, you need to say something. Especially if that person doesn’t know they’re being a jerk face jerk.

If something is bothering you, people may be able to pick up on something being off, but no one can read minds. As a former magician, I can testify that if anybody does claim to be able to read minds, or have ESP, you have my permission to roll your eyes at them in a polite way.

Most important, however, is if something is wrong, but people are being too nice to do anything about it, it’s only going to get worse.

I say this as someone who suffered from this syndrome for decades. Having always felt it was too ‘unkind’ to tell people how I really feel, I never learned how to express myself. This is a problem I’ve had to rectify (and continue to do so) after many years of recognizing the problem and working at it.

Sometimes I would over correct and other times I would slip right back into passive mode.

You could see it in my writing as well.

There was a hesitation in the words and an anxiety about how it might be perceived the wrong way. I suppose this is the reason my friends would always tell me my best writing came when I was angry because, well, in my anger I was honest.

Yes, we need more kindness.

Yes, we need more politeness.

And yes, we need to people to be nice when it’s needed.

As any married man will tell you, sometimes (borderline always) you do need to keep your mouth shut and just say ‘yes.’
As a friend, sometimes you need to accept there are things you don’t care for that your friend(s) love.
But overall, as a person, there’s a problem with always being nice and it’s going to hurt you… if it hasn’t already.