Sometimes the world seems too chaotic and unbearable.

The constant bombardment of how awful the world is and how much worse it’s getting, combined with the dire situation many of us find ourselves in, only exasperates the idea that humanity is at its end.

And maybe it is—who knows?

We’ve only been around for a few hundred thousand years (best estimate) and the way we treat each other makes it seem like that’s long enough. Besides, the universe has no regard for our posturing or grandiose sense of self-importance.

All we can do is the best we can and leave with as much peace in our hearts as we can find.

Go for a walk along a trail.

Sit on a balcony or porch and just relax.

Throw rocks in the water.

Take the time to consider the trail beneath you will change, the air you’re breathing is the same as the monarchs of antiquity and the water you’re throwing rocks in once gave sustenance to the dinosaurs.

Let nothing interrupt your moment while you pause.

I’d like to be one of those people who can say they have no regrets about anything in their lives. I really would.

Unfortunately, I do have regrets.

And every single one of them are times when I lost my temper.

Now, growing up in an Italian household, lost tempers were just par for the course. Emotions always ran high and extreme because… I guess we feel passionate about life? But even in those situations, I still regret it.

There’s a time to be angry, and anger can certainly be used as a fuel to take charge, but to completely fly off the handle never ends with me thinking, “I’m glad I did that because it got a desired outcome.”

Sometimes, they would be over the most menial of things, and the shame of those outbursts afterward would have me shaking my head for days on end. Not once, could I have stopped and taken a breath?

It’s taken an active and conscientious effort to undo this programming, which is still years away from where it needs to be, but I keep going because I don’t want to live with any more regrets. With whatever time I have left, I want to keep going and enjoying every step along the way.

Even if they’re tough.

1. Turn it off.
2. Walk away.
3. Go live your life.

Background: this video, which so beautifully illustrates the problem with nice people and their perception of the world.

Not to split hairs, but I think it’s time we make a distinction between being polite and being nice.

Being polite is a societal ideal in which we should all strive for in order to make the world a better place for all of us to function. It’s a code of conduct, but not a prescription for a particular set of values. You can be a polite person who believes in all sorts of things.

Being nice, however, comes with a few issues.

While I certainly won’t advocate we avoid being nice to each other, I think it needs to come with some pretty clear terms. We’ve loaded that word with a passivity baggage, where being ‘nice’ means allowing others to dictate what happens while you remain silent. It locks a person in with their own emotions, where they feel they cannot express how they really feel because it “wouldn’t be nice.”

As the expression goes, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all.”

Okay… but if a person is being an absolute jerk face jerk, you need to say something. Especially if that person doesn’t know they’re being a jerk face jerk.

If something is bothering you, people may be able to pick up on something being off, but no one can read minds. As a former magician, I can testify that if anybody does claim to be able to read minds, or have ESP, you have my permission to roll your eyes at them in a polite way.

Most important, however, is if something is wrong, but people are being too nice to do anything about it, it’s only going to get worse.

I say this as someone who suffered from this syndrome for decades. Having always felt it was too ‘unkind’ to tell people how I really feel, I never learned how to express myself. This is a problem I’ve had to rectify (and continue to do so) after many years of recognizing the problem and working at it.

Sometimes I would over correct and other times I would slip right back into passive mode.

You could see it in my writing as well.

There was a hesitation in the words and an anxiety about how it might be perceived the wrong way. I suppose this is the reason my friends would always tell me my best writing came when I was angry because, well, in my anger I was honest.

Yes, we need more kindness.

Yes, we need more politeness.

And yes, we need to people to be nice when it’s needed.

As any married man will tell you, sometimes (borderline always) you do need to keep your mouth shut and just say ‘yes.’
As a friend, sometimes you need to accept there are things you don’t care for that your friend(s) love.
But overall, as a person, there’s a problem with always being nice and it’s going to hurt you… if it hasn’t already.

Years ago, I was sitting in a Starbucks when a gentlemen at the next table engaged me in conversation. After a few pleasantries, and discovering he was originally from Florida, he asked what I was working on.

“My Master’s Thesis in Religious Studies.”

That’s when he closed his eyes and shook his head. Having seen this many times before, I knew my reply struck a nerve.

“I left the foolishness of Religion long ago.”

He then proceeds to tell me about his upbringing in one of those megachurches his family attended. Growing up, he was always told that if he wanted something, he had to pray for it, and if he didn’t get it—he wasn’t praying hard enough.

Now it was my turn to close my eyes and shake my head.

I have always been extremely skeptical of those megachurches. I have absolutely no time for this stupid idea of the “Prosperity Gospel” (God will reward you with riches if you donate enough money) and I certainly have serious issues with so-called ‘faith healers.’

This gentlemen I was speaking to is the end result of that horrid Theology, which essentially boils God down to this:

A genie that grants wishes if you wish hard enough and appease it with praise.

I told him that if I grew up with that kind of understanding of God and Religion, I would’ve walked away as well. However, there are much better understandings out there and the one I appreciate the most was outlined by a philosopher named Baruch Spinoza.

In coming to my own understanding of faith, it dawned on me that if I’m going to believe in a creator of the universe, something so unbelievable massive and beautiful that we’ve barely scratched the surface of what’s out there, I’m going to need a bigger God than what I was taught.

Enter Spinoza who presents God as the sum of all the natural laws of the universe and the substance of which it is all made of, rejecting the idea that God is some identity or creator just waiting around to intervene for some humans on a single planet who want a new pair of shoes.

To understand the natural world, essentially, is to understand God. “God or Nature” being the operative quote.

There is a lot more to it (and it’s very unfortunate his philosophy has often been ignored for hundreds of years), but it was a beautiful summation of an idea I was after. Some atheists have even expressed that if they were to believe in a god, it would be Spinoza’s.

However, if you were to press me even further, I think that now… in the twenty first century… we should just stop using the word ‘god’ all together.

We have much better language available.

There seems to be a rise in interest over Stoicism and while I don’t care for the commodification or commercialization of such interest (I don’t see it ever getting as bad as yoga), it brings up a few considerations.

First is those who look deeply at the tenets of the philosophy of Stoicism, they find remarkable similarities with Buddhism. I’ve heard it said that Stoicism is Buddhism with attitude, which isn’t entirely off the mark.

The next is its connection to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Having spoken with people who have gone through this form of therapy and found it very helpful, their remarks for how they feel afterward are incredibly… well… stoic. I would even argue it’s just repackaged ideas.

However, one of the most important and key lessons is that all things are transient.

When you have bad crap going on in your life—that will pass.

When you have good things going on in your life—that will pass, too.

We live in the moment, but shouldn’t find ourselves wrapped up in the idea that this moment is all there is and will be. Unless, of course, we’re speaking about the Christian concept of eternity, but we’re obviously not there.

If you think about it, most of us are forgotten within two generations. I mean, how often do you sit around and tell stories about your great grandparents?

This isn’t meant to be a depressing thought, but a freeing one because it gives us the freedom to let go. The universe will continue on and whatever is happening—shall also pass.

Let it.

In connecting with yesterday’s post, I have to give a nod to Sasha Chapin who wrote something during my time of reflection that still sits with me.

Sometimes, you have to blow up your life.

Set it on a new course.

Maybe not completely new, but enough of a nudge that it will end up somewhere else.

I recall at a wedding many moons ago, one of my closest friends (who was in a happy state of mind at this point) commented that I was a person willing to put himself in unknown places just to seek fulfillment. Or maybe it was happiness. I can’t remember, but I consider the terms interchangeable.

It was a note worthy comment because I had never considered that’s what I was actually doing. I always chalked it up to being a young, wanderlust adventurer who wanted to experience as much life as possible. This is something you do until your life hits a plateau and then you chill out.

However, my line of thinking presents two conundrums:
1. Life never hits a plateau.
2. Not everyone is in a position to abdicate any and all responsibilities.

What is interesting to note is anybody who has hit a good place in their life took at least one blind leap of faith. At some point, there were decisions with considerable uncertainty behind them and it was a matter of trusting whether it would work out or not.

This not only applies to material comfort, but also emotional, mental, spiritual and community.

Yes, some people are born with it all, but keeping it and growing it are still matters of choice. There are still times when you have to blow things up—even just a little bit.

Perhaps one of my more life experienced readers can let me know if there actually is a point where you can stop doing this and coast along the lazy river. I can only speak from a limited perspective and an even more limited perspective of observation.

In the meantime, I will look ahead and consider what things I should blow up right now and trust it will work out.

The past few months have been a serious time of reflection, as evidenced by the sheer silence on this site.

This reflection has been on the things in life that truly spark joy.

As I’ve discovered, the many things that used to fire me up and provide fulfillment, just aren’t. Maybe it’s this whole midlife crisis, but I look at the pile of hobbies and passions of mine with nothing more than a shrug.

A loss of interest, even.

This isn’t to say I’ve hit an emotional slump because I’ve never felt more emotionally stable or excited for the people around me.

However, I just look at my stack of books, writing spaces, movie lists… and have no desire to engage with any of it. A strong suggestion from a close friend suggested it’s time I look elsewhere, which isn’t a bad idea.

It took me a few months to realize what I really needed was to be creative again. I haven’t written, or created, anything in quite some time—to the point where even my wife noticed and asked about it.

As someone who was always thinking of the next project and creative outlet (whether for work or personal life), cutting that part out was a complete detriment to a big part of who I am.

The other realization was that my creative projects were always done with an external goal in mind. I never did something for the sake of personal satisfaction. It always for another purpose: monetary, validation, etc.

No wonder I grew tired of it.

In looking at the back burner (“unfinished business”), it also occurred to me that I can just abandon it to connect with something more personal. After all, even if I did go through my “back list” of projects, there will be nobody on the other end to congratulate me for completing them. Nobody notices and quite frankly, nobody cares, so why should I?

With all this recognition and reflection, it’s time to set a new course; one where I can simply enjoy the scenery along the way instead of focusing on what’s at the end.

And that right there gets me all fired up again.

That may or may not be true, but the real reason people ready this book is to simply say they read it.

So why bother?

If you want to read it, go ahead. If you don’t, leave it and do something else with your life.

This goes for anything else you feel you must do.

When I look at the wake of projects in my life, I see a haphazard mess of incomplete intentions:

Several books I didn’t finish writing, many uncracked spines of books on my shelf, movies unseen, video games “I’ll get to,” house projects on my to-do list that haven’t budged, abandoned exercise challenges… the list keeps going.

While I’ve always had a problem focusing, constantly jumping from one venture to the next, I’ve always been able to hyperfocus on the latest obsession. It’s the contradiction I live out daily of constantly wondering when I’ll abandon the current thing for the next one.

It’s as if I’m circling a target, but never actually being able to see it clearly—or name it.

And here’s the crux upon which I finally realized what’s going on:

It is not a search for a venture, but a search for a complete understanding of who I am. My projects are incomplete because I don’t feel complete.

This is the real venture worth sticking to until the end.